I was just thinking about how there's this phrase out there that is "you choose to be happy."
As much as I'd like to believe that to be true, I'm sorry, but sometimes you just have days that are crap and you can't just "be happy". Some days your mind is worn, your heart is tired, your head won't turn off for even a moment; You feel broken, you feel worthless, helpless. You feel like you're not enough. You're frustrated in finding purpose, you wish you could fix how you feel, you wish you could get out of your rut and feel okay again.
I think society has this pretty unrealistic expectation to obtain a perfect life...whatever a "perfect life" means according to you. I feel like we put that expectation upon ourselves, too, thinking that once we reach that complete contentment, we've succeeded. Kind of like: no matter your situation, your circumstance, the chaos that's going on in your life, or just the way you feel, you have no excuse to feel bad. Just suck it up and deal.
My friend, I can't do that. I cannot just "suck up to the struggles" and keep going on with life. And I don't think any of us should be held, or hold ourselves to that standard.
When you feel a certain way, feel. Lonely, stressed, frustrated, discouraged, selfish, guilty, anxious, jealous, overwhelmed, drained, sad. Feel it. Shoving it away only makes it all build up slowly over time and then explode. I'm learning that that feels even worse.
It's scary though. There's good courage in feeling. As humans, vulnerability is what we crave, but it's a word that we hear of and cringe. All we want is to be loved, accepted, and have real relationships with people. When we feel, we open ourselves up as an easy target for others to judge and harm our hearts. So instead we are closed inside our own little lives, building walls against all that tries to penetrate. But as we build our walls, the ones that we love and those that love us can't get in, and God surely cannot heal all the wounds that we've tried to mend by ourselves all this time. As we "suck up and deal", we build another wall that isolates our hurt, because we don't want anyone else to see that we're hurting. I'm learning that God works best when we hurt. He intercedes in ways that continue to blow my mind. I don't know all the answers to why God allows us to hurt, but I know that in the end, He brings all glory back to Himself through suffering.
While life continues, I hope we can be joyful while we hurt. And joyfulness is different from happiness. Joy does not depend on a smile, but joy can be sorrow in the midst of struggle and still praising God for who He says He is. Not only is it good to feel the brokenness, but feeling the good in life only reassures that God is taking care of us, you know? Rejoicing in the new day, laughing till we're silent and doubled over, eating good food, being in community, doing what we love, thankfulness, or enthusiasm. Feel it.
And let's please not be so hard on ourselves. God's grace exceeds how far we've drifted and how fast we've run away. He just wants us to trust that He is working through whatever we face, even though we may not see it...that's easier said than done, but He'll reveal Himself in His perfect timing right when we step off into the abyss.
love, cait
No comments:
Post a Comment