This Summer

This summer I've:

danced and flailed my arms around in a field,
cried in an upstairs bedroom at 1 in the morning,
written four and a half songs,
hiked part of the Appalachian trail,
swam illegally in a lake,
kayaked for my first time backwards looking at the mountains,
lit sparklers,
probably ingested glow stick toxins,
studied and discussed the book of Micah,
ate catfish at Cracker Barrel,
collected confetti from a starlit stage,
watched my best friend graduate high school,
ate ice cream from Bedford Farms,
almost finished the television series of LOST,
spoken to a homeless person in Spanish,
memorized Proverbs 3:58,
had good conversations with unexpected people,
celebrated God's goodness in worship band,
prancercised outside of a house late at night,
went to the beach,
took a walk with a friend in a construction site,
saw some good summer movies,
listened and cried,
took walks in the cemetery,
sang and worshiped on a red, white and blue float,
had chai tea lattes,
got to travel to a new state,
paddle-boarded at sunset,
played many rounds of Bananagrams,
read eleven books,
learned how to tie a boat to a dock,
jumped out of a kayak because of a gigantic wolf spider,
learned new songs on the guitar,
got up wake-boarding, (for only ten seconds)
sat in the Giant parking lot and listened to music in the rain,
traveled across the ocean into the city of Southall, London,
was soaked in the culture there,
met some incredible and inspiring people,
learned and appreciated the importance of teamwork,
had amazing times in prayer,
spent time with family in Missouri,
heard encouraging news about college,
experienced church in a new way,
bottle-fed baby goats,
had hour long phone conversations,
caught bronchitis,
played music at an open-mic night,
looked at houses,
have had so much trouble with my fear,
had trouble with finding my worth in people or things,
been convicted of jealousy and pride and selfish desires,
processed some changes,
gained courage in my heart,
was lifted from some of the anger,
and above all, though so much has changed from what it was just a few short months ago,
I've seen my God work in ways that blow my mind.

I'm thankful.

 I don't know what this fall will look like or how it will be or what will happen or how it'll turn out, but...I've probably already written this quote before:

"we're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." -C. S. Lewis

So long summer months, tomorrow begins September.

love, cait

song of the day: "All Creatures" by Kings Kaleidoscope

Haiku

she exhaled her fear
of all that was yet to come
and then sang for joy.



love, caitlyn

A Little Piece of LaRussell (Part 4)

The gate that leads out to the two back pastures on my grandparents property holds lots of secrets as well as some cattle. When the grass used to be higher, my grandpa used to mow a trail out and around the entire pasture where I would take the golf-cart out and drive the crazy route. This gate is closed most of the time, but I think opening it and seeing just how vast the wide open space of grass it holds opportunity and freedom.

~  ~  ~

A couple evenings ago, the light was perfect. 

I'd rather go barefoot and feel the ground beneath my toes. 

Summer's coming to an end; I can't deny it. I've gotten to journal these three summer months, and, reading back into those pages, so much has changed. So much has happened, so much has gone by. There's so much evidence in those words that God's worked tremendously in my heart, in relationships, in the people I love, and just over time. And though I'm fearing tomorrow, and what this fall will be, and everything I have to do and want to do and how much change just keeps happening and the world doesn't stop and wait for you to catch up and there are disappointments and high expectations and wishing things were better or different and there's pride and jealousy and anger and the question "why?" and how time just keeps going and doesn't slow down when you want it to and there's pressure to be a great person from all sides and how I just want to fix myself and others and then things don't seem to add up and how is there so much brokenness in the lives of so many people and within myself and how it's so much easier to avoid processing change and emotion and isolating yourself away from everything and everyone you love; 

There's also hope that Jesus can work through the change we feel, and He can fix what we can't, and He can give us strength to take it day by day, and how He's able to heal all that disappoints us and all that is broken. There's definition in the cross that forgives, and forgives, and forgives. I don't realize how much we're truly loved by Him through the grace he gives every single day when we fail. He can carry when our feet won't move forward, redeem all that's old, make things new, soften hearts, make us more like Him. I'm telling myself I believe in all He can do, and through that, He'll give opportunity and will provide time even though I fear. 

It's time to look up, praise our Creator, and hope things will be better in the new day.

love, caitlyn

song of the day: "Dust to Dust" - The Civil Wars

A Little Piece of LaRussell (Part 3)

Papa and I visit the Wild's farm almost every time I come to visit. They own grand champion horses or something like that...nice horses. My grandparents deliver oats to their property. The Wild's trip is something Papa and I like to do together. While he loads the oats in the bin, I get to go look around at the horses in the stables. Sometimes there are foals or half-grown horses, and they like to come put their nose between the bars. Their noses soft like velvet and their eyes search a face unknown.

It's crazy how quickly life can begin and end. This photo was taken of these two baby goat kids right after they were born. Creation and being alive always amazes me, and seeing new life come into the world shows how greatly God created all we see. 

These two baby's mother died a couple days after they were born, and so they were bottle-fed. I'd mix a cup and a half of milk replacer in warm water and pour it into the empty beer bottle. Their cries echoed through the barn when I came out every afternoon and evening to feed them. They thought they were starving. We gave them both away to a little old lady who wanted a couple to keep out in her barn. When we brought them over, six dogs greeted us and she had a whole pen fixed up to put them in. 

My great-grandma makes all kinds of desserts. From everything to angel food cake, pie crust bites and mini-pecan pies, however, her molasses cookies are the best. Chewy and just the right amount of sugar. 

~  ~  ~

I value family dinners. Time provided to get together, have a meal, sit and eat and enjoy each other's company. Tonight we had home-grown zucchini vegetable stir-fry with quinoa, pork chops, grilled apples, tomatoes and cottage cheese, cucumbers with salad dressing and cantaloupe. There's just something restful and good about taking time out of the day to be together around a table. Almost a way to take a breather from the business of all that life presses upon us. Whether it be work, people, the list of things to do, the pressures expected to meet, or all of the thinking inside our heads we do; 

this is a blessing of rest. 

My Nana always begins her prayers with "Dear most gracious Heavenly Father..." Most gracious! That's such good news to hear that our God's grace is an ocean and it washes completely over all our brokenness. The helplessness we feel, the fear we have, the running away, the pride, the judging, the selfishness. He forgives it all through grace as His gift. 

It's a gift. I forget that so often and think I have to earn grace. There's nothing we can do that will make God love us any more or any less than He already does. And knowing that, there's no need to seek love anywhere else if He's never changing. It's such a comfort. 

He's steadfast and never leaves, never forsakes, never changes. 

Even amidst all the continual change we face every day, 

God was the same, is the same, and will always be the same.

love, caitlyn 

A Little Piece of LaRussell (Part 2)

Overstuffed with food, we went to The Red Barn tonight for dinner. Having been there before, I knew I'd be coming out about to explode from being so stuffed with good food. My grandparents are well-known in the LaRussell area from all of their customers through their feed store, but even in Mount Vernon at this restaurant there were at least three times when my grandparents said, "Hey there! How're you doing?"to two sets of couples and even our waitress, who all knew both of them. 

It blows my mind how many people they know and how many people know them. I've always admired their genuine kindness to those they know and the general hospitality they give. Everyone knows everyone in LaRussell, and I guess I've noticed how back at home, getting to know people in a bigger community seems to be underrated and different. 

For me, it's even hard to simply remember someone's name whom I've just met and want to get to know. Lots of unknown faces go by every day, and not enough smiles go around. Being at my Nana and Papa's store there in town shows the value of community that I wish the world could see.   

To some, this meal may seem odd, but growing up with an appreciation for catfish is what I love. Catfish, fried okra, homemade potato chips, a hunk of bread, tartar sauce (not my favorite but usually served with catfish) and hominy. If you wonder what hominy is, click here. 

It's an acquired taste, and I seem to like it okay.

Leaving room for dessert, there's a case of different kinds of pie, turnovers, cookies, and cupcakes at the front of the restaurant. Coconut cream, lemon meringue, chocolate cream (in the picture), peanut butter with drizzled chocolate, cherry, apple, and raspberry pies all lined up in that case waiting to reach the watering mouths of hungry customers. We most definitely ate our share.

~  ~  ~

I was thinking a lot about my fears yesterday night and throughout the day today and how much they seem to dominate me. And, just starting yesterday through journaling, I've written this on the paper:

The more I write each of them down, I feel myself get worked up, anxious, and overwhelmed by all I fear. However, I think praying through them helps them subside as God works.

Pouring them out in chaos to the Lord and processing them there gives honesty to what we truly struggle with, and isn't denying or stuffing them within ourselves.

After all, as a baby, we come into the world with a cry of fear.

So it's okay to fear.

I listened to a sermon awhile back that mentioned "Relocating Your Glory". "If you are developing a deep anxiety in something, then you've located your glory/significance/weight in something good...but then you've also put your worth and identity and security in things that are finite." Psalm 3:3 says, "But You, Oh Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." 

The "lifter of my head" is someone who says, "you're enough, you're great." God's love and approval wins over all the other things that we put our significance in. How do we know? Jesus was cut off from the world on Calvary's Hill. Darkness came, and that's how we know how much He loves us, and thinks we're enough. His perfect Love casts out our fear.

Fear --> self-centeredness

Love --> self-giving

In community and in love, we cannot live in fear alone.

I like the word "But" in that verse from Psalm 3. To me, it means:

I fear a lot of things. Too many things.. 

But, God will heal us through our fears and He will heal us of our fears.

After all, "if God is for us, who can be against us?"

love, caitlyn

  

A Little Piece of LaRussell (Part 1)

Most summers it's a sauna, but this summer it's been a monsoon for people living here.
Imagine the state of Missouri.

See the little bottom left hand corner green square that reads "Jasper"? Within that square, which is called Jasper County, resides a tiny town with a population census of 114 residents, called LaRussell.

It's where I've gone every summer since I can remember. Filled with laughter from my family, open grassy fields, timber and cicadas, long hill-filled country roads with speed limits of 55, tractors and pick-up trucks, barns that smell of hay and sawdust, fence and open sky, livestock and mid-western accents that speak lingo I try to pick up on, and constant fresh home-grown produce; this is where I come to find freedom.

Freedom from a Philadelphia suburb with lots of cars and stoplights, too many people in the WaWa parking lot, and too many people in the Starbucks line, and too much to go and do and try to be on time to do it.

My Nana in the left picture is looking at something that I couldn't try to tell. Probably the bird nest hanging on the tree, or perhaps over at the bird-feeders, checking to see if they have feed in them. Or maybe she's thinking, (she's always thinking), and just looking at what was and what is now.

Dolly was the first goat my grandparents owned for me when we went to a goat sale. I had to have been about eight years, so she's almost if not, nine years old. She's the oldest goat in the herd, and is a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, aunt, great-aunt, and she has a goatee which makes her special. She lost one of her horns awhile back, but a new one is growing in if you see that little nub on the top of her head. She's the most relaxed goat out there. 

Jack was abandoned a couple years ago and kept coming in and out of my grandparents feed store for a week or so, so they brought him home. He looks so much healthier than he was when they first saw him, and he's become quite the farm dog and a part of the family. His coat is thick and curly and like a carpet coated in a layer of dust that will never be shaken out. He'll chase the chickens and keep watch for intruders, has a loud bark when an unknown vehicle drives down the lane, but lifts his paw out and puts it into your lap, just wanting to be petted. He's a keeper.

I recently got to write a new song about a week ago while being here. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't picked up the guitar and played for awhile, and those are good days. Calluses built up from finger-picking melodies in E major and chords going from major to minor within a half step. I'll put the pick in my mouth and pick up the pen to write a line or two, and try to find a melody to the lyrics that only attempt to say what I'm feeling. 

The entirety of the song has an analogy and it's this: clenching both your fists so tightly that your fingernails drive into your palms, then slowly loosening your grip, opening your hands and turning both palms face-up.

The fear of losing everything you have, but slowly, letting go of what you claim is yours, and all that you fear, and surrendering, opening up yourself to the Lord who can take it all upon Himself because 

He cares for you.

love, caitlyn

It's Just Another Day

It's been one year.
Time always blows my mind.

I heard that, if we have a specific day that comes around each year that has affected us in our lifetime, it usually isn't felt on that day of the year. But the feelings that were felt on that day are felt on other days.

Yesterday I prayed, "Lord, give me freedom from what tomorrow was a year ago." And I woke up today with something new. I guess that's what it's like for me, that everything felt today a year ago isn't felt today, but it will be felt on other days. And even though last week I was anxious about what today would bring, there's no need to fear today, I guess I'm okay, and it's just another day.

I still have so much to learn about forgiveness, and hopefully, over time, God can work.

"Let your past make you better not bitter."

God is still our refuge and strength...therefore we will not fear.

I just want to praise Him for how good He is.

love, caitlyn


some reminders for everyday:

"children, drop your chains and sing."
"it's a good day to have a good day."
"His grace exceeds how far you have fallen & how fast you have run away."
"gratitude changes everything."
"do not withhold yourself to investing in relationships just because of the fear of letting go."
"hate the sin but not the sinner."
"better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than conquer a city."
"God can't steer a parked car."
"be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side."
"speak the truth even if your voice shakes."
"hey you, stop overthinking it."
"human kind. be both."
"eat better, feel better."
"and whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
"we, as Christians, need to be constantly reminded of what we believe."
"we're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
"Jesus suffered, too. we're not alone."


songs of the day: "All This Time" by Britt Nicole
                            "Come Thou Fount" by Kings Kaleidoscope

Time

It's crazy how much can happen in a week.
It's also crazy how much can change in a year.

It's ridiculous how time controls our lives. It dictates where we are, when, with whom, doing whatever. It helps us plan ahead, but probably also hinders in ways that I can't even try to explain. We have to be "on time" to events, occasions, get-togethers, meetings, school, church. Otherwise, we may miss out if we're late.

It's also ridiculous how much anxiety I have in fearing time. Fearing that time will slip away, fearing that there won't be enough time, fearing that God won't provide time, fearing that I won't be able to trust that God will provide time. That He won't provide time to be with other people, to be alone, to be with Him, to have good conversations, to laugh, to cry, to build relationships and friendships.

Recently, I've been fearing that the people in my life will leave. That they won't be here anymore, that I'll lose them, that they won't be close to me, or want to be close to me, and that the friendships I have will break suddenly. I've started to realize why I'm anxious like that, and I think it's because almost a year ago, I unexpectedly and suddenly, lost my dad through divorce. It was a prime example of a relationship that was lost quickly and unknowingly.

So then, because I fear losing people in my life, I fear having enough time with them. And fear that God won't provide time.

It's stupid. It's ridiculous. It's valid. It's true. It's a time-waster. It's in my head a lot more than I would like it to be.

And I am always proven wrong.

When I doubt, God never fails to show me that I was silly for not trusting that He would take control of a situation or conversation that I fear.

When we fix our eyes on our Creator, everything we worry about falls below.

Not saying that our anxieties will forever fall away, but when they come back again, I like to think that looking at the stars are God's promises that He will deliver us from our fears. Every time.

love, cait

song of the day: "Not the End" by Kel