Stuck in a Rut

I would give anything to be able to fix things. Relationships, friendships, attitudes, circumstances, situations, hurting, pain, sorrow, anger, betrayal, misunderstandings.

Sometimes I wish I could fix myself. All my thoughts that have had hurtful intentions, my jealousy, my anger, my appearance, my awkwardness, my social skills.

I've begun to realize how sinful it is to want to fix yourself. Or even attempt to fix yourself. Even that in itself is a sin.

God made us intricately who He wants us to be. Why try and change what He has put so much precious time and effort into to create?

I'm beginning to realize that I can't fix myself, either. Only the Lord can, by His solid grace.
I guess I fall short when I don't trust that He is going to fix me.
I want to believe that He can change the tangled dark mess of my heart, but somehow, sometimes, it's hard to truly believe that, when no change seems to be evident in my eyes.

I was told a good analogy the other day when I was coming down hard on myself. We like to think of our hearts as soft and pink and good and healthy. But there is obviously a small portion of rock inside the heart. It's hard, it's black, it's dirty and malignant. It's full of everything that is evil in our minds and hearts and it likes to penetrate everything we do and say when it can.

Sometimes, I look back at pictures from last year and do not know who I am today. Like I'm living a different life, this is some other girls life that is not Caitlyn's life. This all couldn't have happened in Caitlyn's life. I literally do not know who I am now because I remember who I was a year ago and how different I am. I wonder how the people I love can still see me and love me and continue to be my friends, because I've changed so much and feel so "not who I was".

Right now, my heart feels like it's all rock. All dirty and black and hurt and sad and angered and jealous and wrong. But I was told that there is a small pink, healthy, loving, soft part among all the black. It's so small. And the people who love me see that. And they want to make it grow, and make the hard rock part shrink.

Trusting that God will make the good heart grow is where I struggle. Among other things, but it convicts me of how much I want to control my heart and mind and life all in the same.

Lord, clean me.

"One step forward, two steps back."

"“He created all the beauty you see by speaking it into existence in 7 days and then he took 9 months knitting us together. How much more beautiful we are to Him than the earth?” "

song of the day: "Find Your Kindness" by Rend Collective Experiment

love, cait

To Journey

It's a Tuesday. It's a bit dreary outside but it was raining and we were playing badminton and I didn't care. Mat Kearney's music is in my headphones now and I'm enjoying sitting and listening to French class in the other room.

Life is full of good. I think I make it seem a lot worse than it actually is sometimes.

I recently just hung a world map in my room and the side wall. It's gigantic, and colorful, and lights up every part of the world that God has given to us. I think we get so close-minded and wrapped up in our own lives. It's not a bad thing, but I guess it's good to see perspective and have goals to see the world and care for it the best way we can.

My guitar is underneath the map in this picture, and next to an old mandolin from my grandparents house in Missouri. I had planned to learn to play it, but when I took it to a music shop, they basically said it was better as "wall art". Oh well. . .

Sometimes, I just want to take my guitar and go alone to the other side of the world, hide in the mountains and create and play music for the Lord. That's all I want to do. Maybe I'd get lonely without other people, maybe I'd miss out on other life experiences. But sometimes, I just want to praise God all the time, no stopping, and travel different places to see His creation.

Though that might be ideal, and something that I want to do, I'm grateful for everything in my life now. I can't even express how thankful I am for the people He's placed in my life, how He's changing my heart into the daughter He wants me to be.

If I never get to pack up my guitar and move to the mountains and create music for God someday, here and the now I'll still be searching for the truths and wanting to make music and continuing to fight the battle of brokenness in this world. And have hope that He's redeeming.

Letting Go

Recently, life has conjured a pressure for the future. For college. For where I'll end up fifteen years from now.

It scares the bejeezees out of me.

I guess I had been avoiding the process of college and school in general because it seemed farther away, and I trusted God to take care of the process in His own time.
I've looked at a few colleges recently, maybe made some decisions about what type of community, the types of classes, the ability to learn, the Christ-aspect, the distance from home, but none of those are set in stone.

I've tried so hard to live in the "now" this year. Enjoying friendships, times with others, worshipping the Lord in every moment, laughing more than worrying, seeing God work in my own heart, and really be devoted to reaching out to others and pursuing God more than ever before. However, all of sudden, it's like the future can't be avoided. Like I can't stuff it back in it's own little corner and worry about it sometime later when it actually needs to be thought about.

I need to be remembering that the future is not our business to worry about, because God already knows the end and knows how to get to the end. Trusting is easier said than done, but I've been struggling with that more and more the more I think about what I want to study and where I want to go.  His will will be perfectly played out wherever I end up, because He planted me there. I guess now it's just a challenge to grow.

1 Peter has been on my brain this week. It may be a verse well-known, but that doesn't make it any less important to remember and repeat.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7