Here's to 2014

It's been a month since I've written anything. Holidays came and went. The snow did, too, and I kind of hope it stays away.

I'd like to say that this is not going to be a "looking back on this past year" post but... it is.

From January 1st, 2013, I don't even see the same person I am now, on December 31st. There's been a lot of empty spaces, and in those empty spaces there has been immense growth that fills. And back then, I thought the empty spaces were bad - but God was just showing me that He had work to do in my heart.

If there's one thing I've gotten to learn this year, it's brokenness. Smacked in the face. The depressing, terrible, awful aspects of life that come out of no where. They hit and challenge against your being, and all you can ask over and over and over again is "WHY?" I've seen it in the breaking lives of those I love, and in the crumbling cracks of myself.

Can I say something, though?

I've also seen God's redeeming purposes. 

They are in the little healing moments of laughter and smiles and a two-armed, long, gentle hug. Voices in conversation, whispers in prayer, holding a hand to reassure the other that we'll make it through. Dancing in a field, running down a road, sitting on a mountain, gazing at a night sky. Strumming a guitar, hitting a tambourine. They are in the little healing moments of screaming in anger, sobbing and trying to say what's inside your exploding head. Silence. The act of shrinking away because of fear, the forgiveness of someone, the second chance of a friend, the unconditional consistent love God shows, even though our emotions sway.

God continues to break us, to make us. It's like we were already made, and now we're being remade. It's hard to believe that God is working everything together for His good when a lot of what we see is breaking, but there are too many blessings God gives to reassure us that there is goodness being made in each of us and through the beautiful mess of these fragile lives we live.

And with that,

love, cait

It's That Month

I would just like to say that I love Christmas. And I can definitely admit that lights, hot chocolate, gifts, trees, candy canes and Santa are all really desire-able and cool. But I guess I don't want my mind and heart to focus on those things this year. It's really easy to get swooped up in all the commercialized nonsense, but I'd like to be challenged to take this holiday season a step deeper than the previous years. 

I honestly don't remember last fall or winter. I think sometimes when you're hurting a lot you numb out the pain and accidentally block out periods of time and memories that go with it because you don't want to feel. So, with that, Christmas came and went and winter was isolating. 

Not to get all pessimistic here. Sorry.

But with the forgetting of Christmas and the winter in general, I also forgot a lot about the coming of Christ. 

Last year is gone, and this year is here. And because I know that I forgot about Advent last year, this year I'm looking forward to the season of waiting for Jesus to come. 

The One that saves the world! How much more excited could you be, right? ...However, Advent, that comes around every year along with Santa and the blow-up decorations on front lawns, can also become mundane. 

We've heard it all before, we know it's coming. 

I was trying to make a point for myself and then I forgot what I was thinking....I don't remember.

I guess this holiday season I'm praying to wait expectantly with open hands for Jesus to come. It's an incredible story, and, I dunno, I just want to hear it again this year like it's the first time that I've ever heard it. 

I want to stand in awe before God. 

love, caitlyn