Here's to 2014

It's been a month since I've written anything. Holidays came and went. The snow did, too, and I kind of hope it stays away.

I'd like to say that this is not going to be a "looking back on this past year" post but... it is.

From January 1st, 2013, I don't even see the same person I am now, on December 31st. There's been a lot of empty spaces, and in those empty spaces there has been immense growth that fills. And back then, I thought the empty spaces were bad - but God was just showing me that He had work to do in my heart.

If there's one thing I've gotten to learn this year, it's brokenness. Smacked in the face. The depressing, terrible, awful aspects of life that come out of no where. They hit and challenge against your being, and all you can ask over and over and over again is "WHY?" I've seen it in the breaking lives of those I love, and in the crumbling cracks of myself.

Can I say something, though?

I've also seen God's redeeming purposes. 

They are in the little healing moments of laughter and smiles and a two-armed, long, gentle hug. Voices in conversation, whispers in prayer, holding a hand to reassure the other that we'll make it through. Dancing in a field, running down a road, sitting on a mountain, gazing at a night sky. Strumming a guitar, hitting a tambourine. They are in the little healing moments of screaming in anger, sobbing and trying to say what's inside your exploding head. Silence. The act of shrinking away because of fear, the forgiveness of someone, the second chance of a friend, the unconditional consistent love God shows, even though our emotions sway.

God continues to break us, to make us. It's like we were already made, and now we're being remade. It's hard to believe that God is working everything together for His good when a lot of what we see is breaking, but there are too many blessings God gives to reassure us that there is goodness being made in each of us and through the beautiful mess of these fragile lives we live.

And with that,

love, cait

It's That Month

I would just like to say that I love Christmas. And I can definitely admit that lights, hot chocolate, gifts, trees, candy canes and Santa are all really desire-able and cool. But I guess I don't want my mind and heart to focus on those things this year. It's really easy to get swooped up in all the commercialized nonsense, but I'd like to be challenged to take this holiday season a step deeper than the previous years. 

I honestly don't remember last fall or winter. I think sometimes when you're hurting a lot you numb out the pain and accidentally block out periods of time and memories that go with it because you don't want to feel. So, with that, Christmas came and went and winter was isolating. 

Not to get all pessimistic here. Sorry.

But with the forgetting of Christmas and the winter in general, I also forgot a lot about the coming of Christ. 

Last year is gone, and this year is here. And because I know that I forgot about Advent last year, this year I'm looking forward to the season of waiting for Jesus to come. 

The One that saves the world! How much more excited could you be, right? ...However, Advent, that comes around every year along with Santa and the blow-up decorations on front lawns, can also become mundane. 

We've heard it all before, we know it's coming. 

I was trying to make a point for myself and then I forgot what I was thinking....I don't remember.

I guess this holiday season I'm praying to wait expectantly with open hands for Jesus to come. It's an incredible story, and, I dunno, I just want to hear it again this year like it's the first time that I've ever heard it. 

I want to stand in awe before God. 

love, caitlyn

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

And I will call upon Your name

                                                   And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine

love, cait

 

You Are My Home

I guess some days bring you down low, and others you feel decent, others you feel sub-par, and some days you feel on top of the world. Sometimes I've wondered why Jesus won't just return again right now and spare us from the broken patterns of our own sin and the fleeting feelings we go through every day.

I've listened to this one song on repeat for a couple days now, and you know when you can listen to one song forever and never get tired of it? It's one of those songs.

This song has reminded me that this earth is only a temporary home.
Our home resides within God Himself.

Just like the homes we live in now where we can be ourselves and find warmth in our beds, or we can cook food knowing where all the pots and pans are located. Homes where we can sit down at a long table for family dinner gatherings or curl up on the sofa to watch a movie. Homes that smell like family, or comfort foods or minty toothpaste or pumpkin spice candles. Our own bedrooms are where we feel safe and secure, and they are personalized to who we are and what we feel. They're a sanction to run to and find rest.

Now only if we could find that same rest and comfort and security and satisfaction in the Lord. Here on earth, I think that that is hard to find. It just is. But it's comforting to know that God promises to be our Home that we can always come back to to dwell in, even though we may run away in doubt that His walls will crumble.

His walls won't crumble though, I keep reminding myself. There is immense joy in knowing that despite all the changes, God is the same, and continues to pursue us with His love and grace even though we constantly fear or reject His abundant House!

I think ultimately we were made for Heaven. Though there is the Holy Spirit within us, and God revealing Himself to us, and Jesus having risen for us, we were made to be with our Father in Heaven.

Until heaven, just rejoicing on earth here and now that God is still with us every hour, minute, and second of every single day is a simple blessing to praise Him for.


“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

― C.S. Lewis


here's to a new week,
love, caitlyn

Highway to Zion

"let my heart be a highway to Zion
running narrow and true
set my sails on the sea of surrender
i am not my own, not my own.
You are my Home."


hope today is new and good for you, reader.
love, caitlyn

Haiku #3, #4, #5

"I've seen desires
within the depths of your heart
& I will hold them.

My will is steadfast;
It is never fleeting nor
changes through seasons.

So take heart, my child.
Do not fear all My ways for
I have overcome."

-(God)


love, cait




 

Thankfulness

I guess I've just been really thankful recently for the assurance that God is working in this world and in the lives of friends, circumstances, situations, and within hearts. It's hard to see Him working sometimes, but He's definitely met me where I am and given me this firm knowledge that He's working for good. And there's no need for me to fret anymore that He's not working or that He'll let us go. That peace doesn't make everything less hard, because pain and suffering are hard as they are, but I guess it gives us the ability to continue to praise Him through the struggles. To run rejoicing.

God's also provided time in ways that I question after the fact, "why did I doubt?" It's a constant coming back to, asking for forgiveness, because I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust. He always provides time to be with people, to be in conversation, to do this or that exactly when I need it, or when I least expect it.

Thankful. Yup, that's all.

love, cait

We adore You,
O Lord Jesus Christ,
in this Church and all the Churches of the world, 
and we bless You, because,
by Your holy Cross You have redeemed the world. Amen.

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi



song of the day: "Taste of Eternity" by Bellarive

Some Nights You Just

some nights you just stuff your face with tortillas and make a cup of tea and try again tomorrow.

Please Don't Be Happy

I was just thinking about how there's this phrase out there that is "you choose to be happy."

As much as I'd like to believe that to be true, I'm sorry, but sometimes you just have days that are crap and you can't just "be happy". Some days your mind is worn, your heart is tired, your head won't turn off for even a moment; You feel broken, you feel worthless, helpless. You feel like you're not enough. You're frustrated in finding purpose, you wish you could fix how you feel, you wish you could get out of your rut and feel okay again.

I think society has this pretty unrealistic expectation to obtain a perfect life...whatever a "perfect life" means according to you. I feel like we put that expectation upon ourselves, too, thinking that once we reach that complete contentment, we've succeeded. Kind of like: no matter your situation, your circumstance, the chaos that's going on in your life, or just the way you feel, you have no excuse to feel bad. Just suck it up and deal.

My friend, I can't do that. I cannot just "suck up to the struggles" and keep going on with life. And I don't think any of us should be held, or hold ourselves to that standard.

When you feel a certain way, feel. Lonely, stressed, frustrated, discouraged, selfish, guilty, anxious, jealous, overwhelmed, drained, sad. Feel it. Shoving it away only makes it all build up slowly over time and then explode. I'm learning that that feels even worse.

It's scary though. There's good courage in feeling. As humans, vulnerability is what we crave, but it's a word that we hear of and cringe. All we want is to be loved, accepted, and have real relationships with people. When we feel, we open ourselves up as an easy target for others to judge and harm our hearts. So instead we are closed inside our own little lives, building walls against all that tries to penetrate. But as we build our walls, the ones that we love and those that love us can't get in, and God surely cannot heal all the wounds that we've tried to mend by ourselves all this time. As we "suck up and deal", we build another wall that isolates our hurt, because we don't want anyone else to see that we're hurting. I'm learning that God works best when we hurt. He intercedes in ways that continue to blow my mind. I don't know all the answers to why God allows us to hurt, but I know that in the end, He brings all glory back to Himself through suffering.

While life continues, I hope we can be joyful while we hurt. And joyfulness is different from happiness. Joy does not depend on a smile, but joy can be sorrow in the midst of struggle and still praising God for who He says He is. Not only is it good to feel the brokenness, but feeling the good in life only reassures that God is taking care of us, you know? Rejoicing in the new day, laughing till we're silent and doubled over, eating good food, being in community, doing what we love, thankfulness, or enthusiasm. Feel it.

And let's please not be so hard on ourselves. God's grace exceeds how far we've drifted and how fast we've run away. He just wants us to trust that He is working through whatever we face, even though we may not see it...that's easier said than done, but He'll reveal Himself in His perfect timing right when we step off into the abyss.

love, cait





 

A Much Needed Reminder

“Relax. You will become an adult. You will figure out your career. You will find someone who loves you. You have a whole lifetime; time takes time. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.”

—	Johanna de Silentio

goodnight, xo

Don't You Worry, Child

i'm slowly becoming more and more overwhelmed. lack of sleep probably does not help that. In fact, it probably heightens all the mental stress that's existing. i'd just like to curl up and listen to soft music and smell the simple smoke of incense and drink a cup of camomile and be at peace. but i almost think my mind is too busy to even try doing that.

For anxious hearts:

what do you know of to be true? over everything that's in your mind?

• God loves me.
• God does not want me to be afraid.
• God will never leave or forsake me.
• With His strength, I can handle the anxiety, because I have handled it before.
• God is faithful and delivers me from it every time.
• God is in control. 
• God is peace.

just wait a little while

God will take care of us.

love, cait

Dear Reader

dear reader,

it may seem depressing to know, but this world is broken. there is pain and suffering and sadness and chaos and worry and anger and hurting. God surely did not intend it to be this way, but He allows suffering to happen because He's able to redeem. there may be lots we don't understand, and there is certainly a lot that we never will understand as to why we go through life hurting and struggling. And I can't tell you it'll all be okay, because it probably won't be. But please, praise Him through the struggle, even if that means repeating and believing that He is still good. And if the hurting continues, if the worry continues, if things don't improve when we want or how we want, He is still good. And He is working even though we can't see it in the midst. do not lost heart. there will be a day when Jesus comes.

please believe in the dark what you know to be true in the light.

love, cait

Haiku #2

let go of the angst
it will be good someday soon
so hold on to hope.



hoping today has been refreshing for all the readers of this messy blog,
love, cait

For Today

Today, God gave peace through the crevices of my mind and heart that I didn't even know existed. It doesn't mean I'm forever fine, and doesn't mean I've stopped worrying about plenty of things, but there was just simple peace given today.

I'm thankful for more of the little things:


For today:

• sitting in the warm sunshine even when the September breeze came through
• a drooling baby that laughs in my arms and eats grape after grape
• running three miles and walking back home by dusk listening to a playlist i call "be still my soul"
• eating a trader joe's salad in a random parking lot and listening to gregory alan isakov
• vanilla chai decaf with sugar and cream while driving in the night to see the brilliant moon appear again and again whenever the car changed direction
• peppermint toothpaste, clean skin and wet hair, fuzzy socks, and time to read books.

love, cait

Little Thanks

My brain is tired and a bit drained and today I was easily swayed and discouraged, but I'd just like to say the little things that I'm thankful for:

• smiling for the joy of singing in choir
• the striking inspiration to write 
• humming out melodies to colorful chords on the guitar
• eating chocolate peanut butter ice cream in the mid-day
• working through mathematical physics problems with a friend
• reading and reflecting through 2 Corinthians 3 + 4
• listening to william fitzsimmons in the car on the way home
• lighting lavender incense and spending time to journal 

"the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

~ 2 Corinthians 3:17 ~

love, cait

Rejoice, My Dear

I thought about this today:

Ron Weasley says to Harry in Divination class:

"You're gonna suffer...but you're gonna be happy about it."

I used to laugh at that, because Ron says it awkwardly and is in disbelief that there can be any good that comes from suffering. And I thought along the same lines as him.

But what he says is true. There's so much good that comes from suffering. I guess I'm finally beginning to see the full show in a front row seat.

When chaos comes in my head, and nothing seems to settle it sometimes, or life situations continue to change, become harder, or seem like they aren't making much progress, God is a giver of peace to the internal and external suffering. That's part of His being: Peace.

However, sometimes God doesn't provide peace right when we think we need it. He lets us hold out,  and has us endure the suffering for a little while longer until His timing comes in perfectly -- exposing Himself as the only One we need.

It's easy to run away from the suffering. From the pain, the struggles, the insecurities, and even the people we love, just to see who comes running after us. It's easier to crawl in a hole and avoid it altogether. But God calls us to rejoice while we suffer.

I get confused with this, because I think rejoicing is similar to happiness sometimes. I'll think that in order to rejoice through suffering, I need to smile, I need to laugh and be with good people and do good things and earn my grace. When really, I end up clinging to all the wrong things that substitute God's place in my heart. I'm wrong about rejoicing. I think when God calls us to rejoice through the struggles we endure, He wants us to run to Him believing He can deliver, forgive, comfort, and love.

I know that I consistently fail The Lord everyday, but His grace is sufficient enough to carry us home.

And so I just want to run rejoicing.


love, cait

Sunday Muse

a cup of tea and time.

just take time, take your time, let's take our time.

maybe all humans need is a nap in the sunshine.

and i'll try not to worry; God's got us.



love, cait

The Struggles

i'm in the midst of praising God for the struggles. it doesn't make them any less hard, and doesn't make them hurt any less, but it does give hope, because He'll redeem.

i know He will.

love, cait

This Summer

This summer I've:

danced and flailed my arms around in a field,
cried in an upstairs bedroom at 1 in the morning,
written four and a half songs,
hiked part of the Appalachian trail,
swam illegally in a lake,
kayaked for my first time backwards looking at the mountains,
lit sparklers,
probably ingested glow stick toxins,
studied and discussed the book of Micah,
ate catfish at Cracker Barrel,
collected confetti from a starlit stage,
watched my best friend graduate high school,
ate ice cream from Bedford Farms,
almost finished the television series of LOST,
spoken to a homeless person in Spanish,
memorized Proverbs 3:58,
had good conversations with unexpected people,
celebrated God's goodness in worship band,
prancercised outside of a house late at night,
went to the beach,
took a walk with a friend in a construction site,
saw some good summer movies,
listened and cried,
took walks in the cemetery,
sang and worshiped on a red, white and blue float,
had chai tea lattes,
got to travel to a new state,
paddle-boarded at sunset,
played many rounds of Bananagrams,
read eleven books,
learned how to tie a boat to a dock,
jumped out of a kayak because of a gigantic wolf spider,
learned new songs on the guitar,
got up wake-boarding, (for only ten seconds)
sat in the Giant parking lot and listened to music in the rain,
traveled across the ocean into the city of Southall, London,
was soaked in the culture there,
met some incredible and inspiring people,
learned and appreciated the importance of teamwork,
had amazing times in prayer,
spent time with family in Missouri,
heard encouraging news about college,
experienced church in a new way,
bottle-fed baby goats,
had hour long phone conversations,
caught bronchitis,
played music at an open-mic night,
looked at houses,
have had so much trouble with my fear,
had trouble with finding my worth in people or things,
been convicted of jealousy and pride and selfish desires,
processed some changes,
gained courage in my heart,
was lifted from some of the anger,
and above all, though so much has changed from what it was just a few short months ago,
I've seen my God work in ways that blow my mind.

I'm thankful.

 I don't know what this fall will look like or how it will be or what will happen or how it'll turn out, but...I've probably already written this quote before:

"we're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." -C. S. Lewis

So long summer months, tomorrow begins September.

love, cait

song of the day: "All Creatures" by Kings Kaleidoscope

Haiku

she exhaled her fear
of all that was yet to come
and then sang for joy.



love, caitlyn

A Little Piece of LaRussell (Part 4)

The gate that leads out to the two back pastures on my grandparents property holds lots of secrets as well as some cattle. When the grass used to be higher, my grandpa used to mow a trail out and around the entire pasture where I would take the golf-cart out and drive the crazy route. This gate is closed most of the time, but I think opening it and seeing just how vast the wide open space of grass it holds opportunity and freedom.

~  ~  ~

A couple evenings ago, the light was perfect. 

I'd rather go barefoot and feel the ground beneath my toes. 

Summer's coming to an end; I can't deny it. I've gotten to journal these three summer months, and, reading back into those pages, so much has changed. So much has happened, so much has gone by. There's so much evidence in those words that God's worked tremendously in my heart, in relationships, in the people I love, and just over time. And though I'm fearing tomorrow, and what this fall will be, and everything I have to do and want to do and how much change just keeps happening and the world doesn't stop and wait for you to catch up and there are disappointments and high expectations and wishing things were better or different and there's pride and jealousy and anger and the question "why?" and how time just keeps going and doesn't slow down when you want it to and there's pressure to be a great person from all sides and how I just want to fix myself and others and then things don't seem to add up and how is there so much brokenness in the lives of so many people and within myself and how it's so much easier to avoid processing change and emotion and isolating yourself away from everything and everyone you love; 

There's also hope that Jesus can work through the change we feel, and He can fix what we can't, and He can give us strength to take it day by day, and how He's able to heal all that disappoints us and all that is broken. There's definition in the cross that forgives, and forgives, and forgives. I don't realize how much we're truly loved by Him through the grace he gives every single day when we fail. He can carry when our feet won't move forward, redeem all that's old, make things new, soften hearts, make us more like Him. I'm telling myself I believe in all He can do, and through that, He'll give opportunity and will provide time even though I fear. 

It's time to look up, praise our Creator, and hope things will be better in the new day.

love, caitlyn

song of the day: "Dust to Dust" - The Civil Wars

A Little Piece of LaRussell (Part 3)

Papa and I visit the Wild's farm almost every time I come to visit. They own grand champion horses or something like that...nice horses. My grandparents deliver oats to their property. The Wild's trip is something Papa and I like to do together. While he loads the oats in the bin, I get to go look around at the horses in the stables. Sometimes there are foals or half-grown horses, and they like to come put their nose between the bars. Their noses soft like velvet and their eyes search a face unknown.

It's crazy how quickly life can begin and end. This photo was taken of these two baby goat kids right after they were born. Creation and being alive always amazes me, and seeing new life come into the world shows how greatly God created all we see. 

These two baby's mother died a couple days after they were born, and so they were bottle-fed. I'd mix a cup and a half of milk replacer in warm water and pour it into the empty beer bottle. Their cries echoed through the barn when I came out every afternoon and evening to feed them. They thought they were starving. We gave them both away to a little old lady who wanted a couple to keep out in her barn. When we brought them over, six dogs greeted us and she had a whole pen fixed up to put them in. 

My great-grandma makes all kinds of desserts. From everything to angel food cake, pie crust bites and mini-pecan pies, however, her molasses cookies are the best. Chewy and just the right amount of sugar. 

~  ~  ~

I value family dinners. Time provided to get together, have a meal, sit and eat and enjoy each other's company. Tonight we had home-grown zucchini vegetable stir-fry with quinoa, pork chops, grilled apples, tomatoes and cottage cheese, cucumbers with salad dressing and cantaloupe. There's just something restful and good about taking time out of the day to be together around a table. Almost a way to take a breather from the business of all that life presses upon us. Whether it be work, people, the list of things to do, the pressures expected to meet, or all of the thinking inside our heads we do; 

this is a blessing of rest. 

My Nana always begins her prayers with "Dear most gracious Heavenly Father..." Most gracious! That's such good news to hear that our God's grace is an ocean and it washes completely over all our brokenness. The helplessness we feel, the fear we have, the running away, the pride, the judging, the selfishness. He forgives it all through grace as His gift. 

It's a gift. I forget that so often and think I have to earn grace. There's nothing we can do that will make God love us any more or any less than He already does. And knowing that, there's no need to seek love anywhere else if He's never changing. It's such a comfort. 

He's steadfast and never leaves, never forsakes, never changes. 

Even amidst all the continual change we face every day, 

God was the same, is the same, and will always be the same.

love, caitlyn 

A Little Piece of LaRussell (Part 2)

Overstuffed with food, we went to The Red Barn tonight for dinner. Having been there before, I knew I'd be coming out about to explode from being so stuffed with good food. My grandparents are well-known in the LaRussell area from all of their customers through their feed store, but even in Mount Vernon at this restaurant there were at least three times when my grandparents said, "Hey there! How're you doing?"to two sets of couples and even our waitress, who all knew both of them. 

It blows my mind how many people they know and how many people know them. I've always admired their genuine kindness to those they know and the general hospitality they give. Everyone knows everyone in LaRussell, and I guess I've noticed how back at home, getting to know people in a bigger community seems to be underrated and different. 

For me, it's even hard to simply remember someone's name whom I've just met and want to get to know. Lots of unknown faces go by every day, and not enough smiles go around. Being at my Nana and Papa's store there in town shows the value of community that I wish the world could see.   

To some, this meal may seem odd, but growing up with an appreciation for catfish is what I love. Catfish, fried okra, homemade potato chips, a hunk of bread, tartar sauce (not my favorite but usually served with catfish) and hominy. If you wonder what hominy is, click here. 

It's an acquired taste, and I seem to like it okay.

Leaving room for dessert, there's a case of different kinds of pie, turnovers, cookies, and cupcakes at the front of the restaurant. Coconut cream, lemon meringue, chocolate cream (in the picture), peanut butter with drizzled chocolate, cherry, apple, and raspberry pies all lined up in that case waiting to reach the watering mouths of hungry customers. We most definitely ate our share.

~  ~  ~

I was thinking a lot about my fears yesterday night and throughout the day today and how much they seem to dominate me. And, just starting yesterday through journaling, I've written this on the paper:

The more I write each of them down, I feel myself get worked up, anxious, and overwhelmed by all I fear. However, I think praying through them helps them subside as God works.

Pouring them out in chaos to the Lord and processing them there gives honesty to what we truly struggle with, and isn't denying or stuffing them within ourselves.

After all, as a baby, we come into the world with a cry of fear.

So it's okay to fear.

I listened to a sermon awhile back that mentioned "Relocating Your Glory". "If you are developing a deep anxiety in something, then you've located your glory/significance/weight in something good...but then you've also put your worth and identity and security in things that are finite." Psalm 3:3 says, "But You, Oh Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." 

The "lifter of my head" is someone who says, "you're enough, you're great." God's love and approval wins over all the other things that we put our significance in. How do we know? Jesus was cut off from the world on Calvary's Hill. Darkness came, and that's how we know how much He loves us, and thinks we're enough. His perfect Love casts out our fear.

Fear --> self-centeredness

Love --> self-giving

In community and in love, we cannot live in fear alone.

I like the word "But" in that verse from Psalm 3. To me, it means:

I fear a lot of things. Too many things.. 

But, God will heal us through our fears and He will heal us of our fears.

After all, "if God is for us, who can be against us?"

love, caitlyn

  

A Little Piece of LaRussell (Part 1)

Most summers it's a sauna, but this summer it's been a monsoon for people living here.
Imagine the state of Missouri.

See the little bottom left hand corner green square that reads "Jasper"? Within that square, which is called Jasper County, resides a tiny town with a population census of 114 residents, called LaRussell.

It's where I've gone every summer since I can remember. Filled with laughter from my family, open grassy fields, timber and cicadas, long hill-filled country roads with speed limits of 55, tractors and pick-up trucks, barns that smell of hay and sawdust, fence and open sky, livestock and mid-western accents that speak lingo I try to pick up on, and constant fresh home-grown produce; this is where I come to find freedom.

Freedom from a Philadelphia suburb with lots of cars and stoplights, too many people in the WaWa parking lot, and too many people in the Starbucks line, and too much to go and do and try to be on time to do it.

My Nana in the left picture is looking at something that I couldn't try to tell. Probably the bird nest hanging on the tree, or perhaps over at the bird-feeders, checking to see if they have feed in them. Or maybe she's thinking, (she's always thinking), and just looking at what was and what is now.

Dolly was the first goat my grandparents owned for me when we went to a goat sale. I had to have been about eight years, so she's almost if not, nine years old. She's the oldest goat in the herd, and is a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, aunt, great-aunt, and she has a goatee which makes her special. She lost one of her horns awhile back, but a new one is growing in if you see that little nub on the top of her head. She's the most relaxed goat out there. 

Jack was abandoned a couple years ago and kept coming in and out of my grandparents feed store for a week or so, so they brought him home. He looks so much healthier than he was when they first saw him, and he's become quite the farm dog and a part of the family. His coat is thick and curly and like a carpet coated in a layer of dust that will never be shaken out. He'll chase the chickens and keep watch for intruders, has a loud bark when an unknown vehicle drives down the lane, but lifts his paw out and puts it into your lap, just wanting to be petted. He's a keeper.

I recently got to write a new song about a week ago while being here. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't picked up the guitar and played for awhile, and those are good days. Calluses built up from finger-picking melodies in E major and chords going from major to minor within a half step. I'll put the pick in my mouth and pick up the pen to write a line or two, and try to find a melody to the lyrics that only attempt to say what I'm feeling. 

The entirety of the song has an analogy and it's this: clenching both your fists so tightly that your fingernails drive into your palms, then slowly loosening your grip, opening your hands and turning both palms face-up.

The fear of losing everything you have, but slowly, letting go of what you claim is yours, and all that you fear, and surrendering, opening up yourself to the Lord who can take it all upon Himself because 

He cares for you.

love, caitlyn

It's Just Another Day

It's been one year.
Time always blows my mind.

I heard that, if we have a specific day that comes around each year that has affected us in our lifetime, it usually isn't felt on that day of the year. But the feelings that were felt on that day are felt on other days.

Yesterday I prayed, "Lord, give me freedom from what tomorrow was a year ago." And I woke up today with something new. I guess that's what it's like for me, that everything felt today a year ago isn't felt today, but it will be felt on other days. And even though last week I was anxious about what today would bring, there's no need to fear today, I guess I'm okay, and it's just another day.

I still have so much to learn about forgiveness, and hopefully, over time, God can work.

"Let your past make you better not bitter."

God is still our refuge and strength...therefore we will not fear.

I just want to praise Him for how good He is.

love, caitlyn


some reminders for everyday:

"children, drop your chains and sing."
"it's a good day to have a good day."
"His grace exceeds how far you have fallen & how fast you have run away."
"gratitude changes everything."
"do not withhold yourself to investing in relationships just because of the fear of letting go."
"hate the sin but not the sinner."
"better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than conquer a city."
"God can't steer a parked car."
"be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side."
"speak the truth even if your voice shakes."
"hey you, stop overthinking it."
"human kind. be both."
"eat better, feel better."
"and whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
"we, as Christians, need to be constantly reminded of what we believe."
"we're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
"Jesus suffered, too. we're not alone."


songs of the day: "All This Time" by Britt Nicole
                            "Come Thou Fount" by Kings Kaleidoscope

Time

It's crazy how much can happen in a week.
It's also crazy how much can change in a year.

It's ridiculous how time controls our lives. It dictates where we are, when, with whom, doing whatever. It helps us plan ahead, but probably also hinders in ways that I can't even try to explain. We have to be "on time" to events, occasions, get-togethers, meetings, school, church. Otherwise, we may miss out if we're late.

It's also ridiculous how much anxiety I have in fearing time. Fearing that time will slip away, fearing that there won't be enough time, fearing that God won't provide time, fearing that I won't be able to trust that God will provide time. That He won't provide time to be with other people, to be alone, to be with Him, to have good conversations, to laugh, to cry, to build relationships and friendships.

Recently, I've been fearing that the people in my life will leave. That they won't be here anymore, that I'll lose them, that they won't be close to me, or want to be close to me, and that the friendships I have will break suddenly. I've started to realize why I'm anxious like that, and I think it's because almost a year ago, I unexpectedly and suddenly, lost my dad through divorce. It was a prime example of a relationship that was lost quickly and unknowingly.

So then, because I fear losing people in my life, I fear having enough time with them. And fear that God won't provide time.

It's stupid. It's ridiculous. It's valid. It's true. It's a time-waster. It's in my head a lot more than I would like it to be.

And I am always proven wrong.

When I doubt, God never fails to show me that I was silly for not trusting that He would take control of a situation or conversation that I fear.

When we fix our eyes on our Creator, everything we worry about falls below.

Not saying that our anxieties will forever fall away, but when they come back again, I like to think that looking at the stars are God's promises that He will deliver us from our fears. Every time.

love, cait

song of the day: "Not the End" by Kel

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

There's plenty to think about, to complain about, to keep in my head. Things that I wish I could change and things that I wish were better, but aren't. Things that I'm fearing, both rational and ridiculous. Fearing today, fearing tomorrow, fearing next week, next month, the fall season, next summer. It all spirals around, leading into the next thing and doesn't seem to take a break.

But I'm being challenged to talk about the joy I see through the fear. The little things God gives to get me through, and the ways that I can eventually simmer down my fears when they creep up.

I'm at a point of anxiety, but it's okay not to be okay. It's just not okay to stay there. Anxiety cannot overtake willingness to let the Holy Spirit work in our hearts. Otherwise we're clutching and clinging to how much we want control of our lives, and not opening up our hands, giving it to God.

He's got it. He's got it under control. He's already there, and He wants His will for us; to give glory back to Him in the end.

"When I said, 'my foot is slipping,' Your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy." ~Psalm 94:18-19

song of the day: "Settler" by Balmorhea

love, cait

Gold

July 1st, 2013. Second month of summer. Over halfway through the year.

It's gold. The more I think themes of this summer and how I feel, it's the color of gold.
Sunlight that reflects the ultimate joy we have in Jesus. It's the color of gold.

The more I go into these summer months, the more I feel like back in May, summer was a rock ready to be chipped away. And underneath the rock, all this good to see was waiting to be uncovered. The Lord is revealing Himself to me every day, showing more and more gold than rock.

And at the same time, things are changing all around me and there's brokenness and heartache and time is flying and people are figuring themselves out and are going places and struggling with change and letting go and the future but wanting to enjoy the day for what it is and I'm trying to stay focused and prioritized and still trying to be productive but slipping back into laziness and just want to eat food or crawl in a hole or wonder why I am where I am.

But despite all of that, these summer months are still gold and they're good and they're held in God's hands and overflowing with His love.

I need to say this to keep my spirits up more than anything:

Seize the day, because this is the day the Lord has made. Let's rejoice and be glad in it.


love, cait

Always Abundant

Sometimes, an amount of rain showering the earth from above is more glorious than any sunshine could ever bring.

It's raining, and it's been raining all day, and usually on days that it rains hard, and I mean hard, I'm inspired. Today was not once of those days, but it's okay.

I got to read books, and listen to music, and play guitar for about three hours. I also got to edit some footage and watch LOST and eat pasta with meatballs.

Some days are mediocre. Some days are awful. Some days it's better to feel emotion than to hold back tears or curse words or jealousy or selfishness or hate. Not at all am I saying it's better to hate than to love, but letting out emotion is better than holding it in.

I've been learning this lesson more and more, and learning what to do with anger and sadness from other people and the conflict within myself.

It all comes back to grace. God's unmerited favor.

No matter how awful I feel for feeling angry at someone else or sad about circumstance or frustrated that things aren't better, I learn that I can't earn God's love because it is already given in abundance.

Some times His abundance is easier to see than other times because it's bigger, but when God gives, He gives in abundance.

Whenever I fear not having control over a situation, whether it be providing time, or good conversation, or how I looked, or what someone thought of me, or how something played out, I am constantly trying to say, "Lord, I give it to you." Every time, every time, I have not been mistaken. The Lord gives when we give to Him.

My prayer this week has been to take a step into seeking God, and praying that He'll meet me. There's a matter of trust, and understanding, and hope, and knowing that I'll sin, but I'm trying hard to believe that God can change my ways and my faith in Him if I want Him badly enough.

"God can't steer a parked car."

love, cait  

A New Month of Fear

It is the beginning of a new month: June. Filled with thirty days, four weeks, hours in each day, minutes in each hour. It's officially safe to say that it's summer. And boy have I waited long.

Watermelon and swimming and wet hair and bleached hair and red skin and sand and green grass and squishy dirt and fields and messy buns and bare feet and iced tea and pasta salad and lawn chairs and good books and sunshine...

This week has been all over the place.

But I'm ready for life to look up. No matter how much that scares me, and how much fear I have about tomorrow, and next week, and in two months, and this time next year, I still want to look up.

More recently, I've been thankful for times I've gotten to spend with people and been thankful for other situations that seem to be improving. But there's been this overarching fear over all of it. Fear that I'm taking to big a step, fear that it won't be good in the end, fear that I'll lose, fear that I'll run away.

I guess I'm having a hard time trusting that God will take care of me. I've seen brokenness, and I guess it's possible to not put things in God's hands when they haven't turned out before. "Trusting God". It's so cliche, because it's so broad and general and it's obvious that lots of people are struggling with it.

But it's still relatable and applicable and there. 

Even though I'm afraid, I can be afraid so long as I look up. And I can only look up through the strength the Lord gives me to look up. Not any of my own. Relying that I can look up myself if God does the work isn't how it plays out. Relying on God's strength to help me look up and acknowledging that He will take care of me and the people I love and the relationships I have and the circumstances I am in, is how He can work.

"Do not worry about tomorrow. For tomorrow will take care of itself."

Stuck in a Rut

I would give anything to be able to fix things. Relationships, friendships, attitudes, circumstances, situations, hurting, pain, sorrow, anger, betrayal, misunderstandings.

Sometimes I wish I could fix myself. All my thoughts that have had hurtful intentions, my jealousy, my anger, my appearance, my awkwardness, my social skills.

I've begun to realize how sinful it is to want to fix yourself. Or even attempt to fix yourself. Even that in itself is a sin.

God made us intricately who He wants us to be. Why try and change what He has put so much precious time and effort into to create?

I'm beginning to realize that I can't fix myself, either. Only the Lord can, by His solid grace.
I guess I fall short when I don't trust that He is going to fix me.
I want to believe that He can change the tangled dark mess of my heart, but somehow, sometimes, it's hard to truly believe that, when no change seems to be evident in my eyes.

I was told a good analogy the other day when I was coming down hard on myself. We like to think of our hearts as soft and pink and good and healthy. But there is obviously a small portion of rock inside the heart. It's hard, it's black, it's dirty and malignant. It's full of everything that is evil in our minds and hearts and it likes to penetrate everything we do and say when it can.

Sometimes, I look back at pictures from last year and do not know who I am today. Like I'm living a different life, this is some other girls life that is not Caitlyn's life. This all couldn't have happened in Caitlyn's life. I literally do not know who I am now because I remember who I was a year ago and how different I am. I wonder how the people I love can still see me and love me and continue to be my friends, because I've changed so much and feel so "not who I was".

Right now, my heart feels like it's all rock. All dirty and black and hurt and sad and angered and jealous and wrong. But I was told that there is a small pink, healthy, loving, soft part among all the black. It's so small. And the people who love me see that. And they want to make it grow, and make the hard rock part shrink.

Trusting that God will make the good heart grow is where I struggle. Among other things, but it convicts me of how much I want to control my heart and mind and life all in the same.

Lord, clean me.

"One step forward, two steps back."

"“He created all the beauty you see by speaking it into existence in 7 days and then he took 9 months knitting us together. How much more beautiful we are to Him than the earth?” "

song of the day: "Find Your Kindness" by Rend Collective Experiment

love, cait

To Journey

It's a Tuesday. It's a bit dreary outside but it was raining and we were playing badminton and I didn't care. Mat Kearney's music is in my headphones now and I'm enjoying sitting and listening to French class in the other room.

Life is full of good. I think I make it seem a lot worse than it actually is sometimes.

I recently just hung a world map in my room and the side wall. It's gigantic, and colorful, and lights up every part of the world that God has given to us. I think we get so close-minded and wrapped up in our own lives. It's not a bad thing, but I guess it's good to see perspective and have goals to see the world and care for it the best way we can.

My guitar is underneath the map in this picture, and next to an old mandolin from my grandparents house in Missouri. I had planned to learn to play it, but when I took it to a music shop, they basically said it was better as "wall art". Oh well. . .

Sometimes, I just want to take my guitar and go alone to the other side of the world, hide in the mountains and create and play music for the Lord. That's all I want to do. Maybe I'd get lonely without other people, maybe I'd miss out on other life experiences. But sometimes, I just want to praise God all the time, no stopping, and travel different places to see His creation.

Though that might be ideal, and something that I want to do, I'm grateful for everything in my life now. I can't even express how thankful I am for the people He's placed in my life, how He's changing my heart into the daughter He wants me to be.

If I never get to pack up my guitar and move to the mountains and create music for God someday, here and the now I'll still be searching for the truths and wanting to make music and continuing to fight the battle of brokenness in this world. And have hope that He's redeeming.

Letting Go

Recently, life has conjured a pressure for the future. For college. For where I'll end up fifteen years from now.

It scares the bejeezees out of me.

I guess I had been avoiding the process of college and school in general because it seemed farther away, and I trusted God to take care of the process in His own time.
I've looked at a few colleges recently, maybe made some decisions about what type of community, the types of classes, the ability to learn, the Christ-aspect, the distance from home, but none of those are set in stone.

I've tried so hard to live in the "now" this year. Enjoying friendships, times with others, worshipping the Lord in every moment, laughing more than worrying, seeing God work in my own heart, and really be devoted to reaching out to others and pursuing God more than ever before. However, all of sudden, it's like the future can't be avoided. Like I can't stuff it back in it's own little corner and worry about it sometime later when it actually needs to be thought about.

I need to be remembering that the future is not our business to worry about, because God already knows the end and knows how to get to the end. Trusting is easier said than done, but I've been struggling with that more and more the more I think about what I want to study and where I want to go.  His will will be perfectly played out wherever I end up, because He planted me there. I guess now it's just a challenge to grow.

1 Peter has been on my brain this week. It may be a verse well-known, but that doesn't make it any less important to remember and repeat.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7

Being

Have you ever thought, or written down, or really truly thought about who you are? What you do, what you like, what your morals are, what you talk about, what you secretly are like without anyone looking or judging or noticing? I think that is when we are the most real, and the most true to ourselves: when no one is glancing at us, when society is not there, and when we are alone. 

Surely, depending on who you are with, I think certain people bring out different parts of our personalities, good or bad. But all in all, I've realized that when I spend time alone, usually in my bedroom with a cup of tea and fuzzy socks, that that is the true me that no one ever gets to see.

I think sometimes we can lose sight of who we are because of the constant pressures of the world around us. Many times, we try to reach a social expectation that ends up influencing us to be different. And it feels weird. It feels weird because it isn't who we really are, or what we are like. I've struggled with this, even in smaller groups of people, because I want the certain approval to be good enough, act good enough, or look good enough. Through wanting that, parts of me have changed, and must I say, not in the most positive ways. 

It's a selfish motive, really. Turns out, thinking and wanting that very thing wraps myself up in myself. And I continue to want it anyway. Funny how we want that, though. Approval. From people. Why can't we just be satisfied with who we are and leave it at that? I have yet to figure that out, because I have no idea.

When discouragement sets in, it's important to realize who I really belong to. Who we really belong to. God has captivated my heart and set out to search for me through the tangled mess of my selfish desires. No matter how many times we turn and run away to seek approval, security, beauty, desire, and love through the things of this world, God always catches up to us and reminds us that He's never left our side. He still wants my rotten heart, and has already approved of it. I don't need, and cannot find, approval from other people, but can only try to grasp the indescribable concept that God has created us by His own hand, and because He has crafted and is molding us, His handiwork has already been approved through His eyes. 

We don't need anything else.

Song of the Day: Don't Go Slow by Benjamin Francis Leftwich
Quote: "And I, too, wanted to be."

I Am Not A Blogger

I am not a blogger. 
I think I am just creating this blog almost for myself. Not in any way conceited of my own abilities, because I have none, but to personally sort-out and process thoughts that continue to circle around and around in my head. So, in reading this, if you ever do, I guess I wouldn't expect anything interesting or entertaining, because most of it might be words that I can't seem to say aloud.

With those things in mind, I guess I will be posting a few things on here that I'd like to:

1. a Song of the Day - to really listen to. I mean really listen.
2. Wise Words - quotes I can relate to, or things said to me through the influences of the people around me.
3. sporadic Photos - I am not a photographer by any means, but I enjoy looking at a quick moment captured through a camera lens.  

On that note, here is a blog belonging to a seeker who does not know what she will find. But trusts that everything will turn out okay in the end.