Always Abundant

Sometimes, an amount of rain showering the earth from above is more glorious than any sunshine could ever bring.

It's raining, and it's been raining all day, and usually on days that it rains hard, and I mean hard, I'm inspired. Today was not once of those days, but it's okay.

I got to read books, and listen to music, and play guitar for about three hours. I also got to edit some footage and watch LOST and eat pasta with meatballs.

Some days are mediocre. Some days are awful. Some days it's better to feel emotion than to hold back tears or curse words or jealousy or selfishness or hate. Not at all am I saying it's better to hate than to love, but letting out emotion is better than holding it in.

I've been learning this lesson more and more, and learning what to do with anger and sadness from other people and the conflict within myself.

It all comes back to grace. God's unmerited favor.

No matter how awful I feel for feeling angry at someone else or sad about circumstance or frustrated that things aren't better, I learn that I can't earn God's love because it is already given in abundance.

Some times His abundance is easier to see than other times because it's bigger, but when God gives, He gives in abundance.

Whenever I fear not having control over a situation, whether it be providing time, or good conversation, or how I looked, or what someone thought of me, or how something played out, I am constantly trying to say, "Lord, I give it to you." Every time, every time, I have not been mistaken. The Lord gives when we give to Him.

My prayer this week has been to take a step into seeking God, and praying that He'll meet me. There's a matter of trust, and understanding, and hope, and knowing that I'll sin, but I'm trying hard to believe that God can change my ways and my faith in Him if I want Him badly enough.

"God can't steer a parked car."

love, cait  

A New Month of Fear

It is the beginning of a new month: June. Filled with thirty days, four weeks, hours in each day, minutes in each hour. It's officially safe to say that it's summer. And boy have I waited long.

Watermelon and swimming and wet hair and bleached hair and red skin and sand and green grass and squishy dirt and fields and messy buns and bare feet and iced tea and pasta salad and lawn chairs and good books and sunshine...

This week has been all over the place.

But I'm ready for life to look up. No matter how much that scares me, and how much fear I have about tomorrow, and next week, and in two months, and this time next year, I still want to look up.

More recently, I've been thankful for times I've gotten to spend with people and been thankful for other situations that seem to be improving. But there's been this overarching fear over all of it. Fear that I'm taking to big a step, fear that it won't be good in the end, fear that I'll lose, fear that I'll run away.

I guess I'm having a hard time trusting that God will take care of me. I've seen brokenness, and I guess it's possible to not put things in God's hands when they haven't turned out before. "Trusting God". It's so cliche, because it's so broad and general and it's obvious that lots of people are struggling with it.

But it's still relatable and applicable and there. 

Even though I'm afraid, I can be afraid so long as I look up. And I can only look up through the strength the Lord gives me to look up. Not any of my own. Relying that I can look up myself if God does the work isn't how it plays out. Relying on God's strength to help me look up and acknowledging that He will take care of me and the people I love and the relationships I have and the circumstances I am in, is how He can work.

"Do not worry about tomorrow. For tomorrow will take care of itself."