The Continual New Year Resolution

wait a second, we're in this weird space of time between Christmas and New Year's. It's like the festivities of Christmas have not quite worn off and life hasn't exactly gone back to normal, and at the same time we're celebrating again this next coming weekend for the sake of a new year.

can I just step back for a second and realize that: a lot can happen in a year. I'm sitting with a cup of Lady Grey in my hand right now and honestly, from this point in time last year, I feel like I am a slightly different version of myself.

I guess in the midst of living you don't quite realize the amount of change that occurs in your heart and head, but to switch the perspective to a size bigger means seeing that, wow, we're still ourselves, but we're learning & growing.

I try to choose to put the concept of "time" in a positive light, because, although time passes and we get older and we may miss old memories and experiences, time is a gift. It's provided. It's given by God - He, Himself knowing that we will abuse it, take advantage of it, waste it. And still He lets us use with it what we will. I like to see time, as it continues to go, as opportunity and expectation to learn new things and grow in new ways, not just wishing it would slow down.

Instead of following my own pace of time or the world's pace of time, I want to be more aware of and seek to follow God's pace of time. And God's timing is a mystery - it fluctuates. it slows down and speeds up in seasons of both uncertainty and steadiness, of patience and receiving. Just like the messiness of people, their fluctuating emotions and actions and expectations and intentions, the unknown answers that can sometimes appear cloudy, God's answers in his pace of time are cloudy, too.

maybe sometimes, in His gift of free will, He lets the Holy Spirit living in us act or choose first before He reveals Himself. Maybe in our doubt, we use our heads and heart to take the next step and expect God to be on the other side. His silence to our questions doesn't mean He isn't working. Maybe it requires a prayerful heart and trust to go out on a limb - and then find that that is where the most fruit is.

friends, people of God, in the new year, I honestly just hope that we rely on God's pace of time. Not only rely on it, but keep with it and be aware of it. Live in step with the Holy Spirit, daily dependent on grace, confident in His plans for us. Not rushing to keep new year's resolutions for a week before slipping back into old habits or stopping them completely, not holding ourselves to such ridiculously high perfections to be "good" people. No. in the new year, embracing the messiness of life includes the utter amazement and overwhelming awe of how messy we are, but then the surrendered, raw joy that God loves our messes.

And through loving our messes, He works through and in our own messes, whether it be in reflection of ourselves or in the relationships with those we love - He's accomplishing good.

There's this belief with every fiber of my being that He is good. that's the song I want to sing.

                                            *                            *                           *      

Breathing Deep

I honestly have no creative beginning to this blog post to draw you in to reading these words below, so I'll just say that I'm drinking my third cup of lady grey tea in a red and white polka-dotted mug, eyes heavy; I had two pieces of homemade pumpkin bread earlier, I'm sitting on my couch now wrapped in a blanket, my feet are freezing, both pups sleeping, & me, listening to the song "idaho".

breathe deep, dear one. 

In the process of the season changing - the entire world starting over again when autumn descends - how comforting it is to see again that God is still faithful through the tangibles. He never left. I like to think that a change of season is creation's way of again acknowledging God's holding of the world. God's holding of you, and me, and your family, and my fears, and your grief, and my hurt, and your blessings, and my weaknesses.

how overwhelming, how relieving - We don't have to have everything under control. We don't have to do it all.

breathe deep, dear one.

The relief coming from surrendering control isn't easy though, because surrendering in itself is hard. And life's chaos still goes on - slipping into old patterns, yet craving change, then addressing wounds that never fully healed, seeing that lots of parts of you still hurt. The journey hurts.  

If it's another thing I'm still learning, it's that it is hard, and God is good. Not "it is hard, but God is good." No. God is real and true, and the hurting is just as valid and real, too.

"It is hard, and God is good."

and my variations then turn into:
"It is so hard, and God is good."
"It is still hard, and God is good."

Praise be to the One who daily bears our burden. Who daily bears us up. Who suffers for us and with us. Who enters in to where we are hurting and hurts with us, too.

That in and of itself is joy.

How marvelous, how wonderful is Your love, is Your love.

breathe deep, dear one.

love, cait
    

 

Lousy Lovers

It's been ages. it literally has, & life just catches up to you sometimes & whacks you over the head with all it throws, both joys & pains, but it has been ages since I've even thought about writing here. Maybe because there aren't any thoughts, or maybe because there are too many thoughts.

This week there's been newness. a new week brings new things to each day, & I'm grateful that once today is lived, there is tomorrow to start all over & grow from where you were yesterday.

I guess I've been thinking recently about how lousy we are at loving each other. Sometimes we're also lousy at loving ourselves, but generally we're probably better at loving ourselves than we are at loving those around us - both those that we love & those that are hard to love. But let's face it - all people to some extent are hard to love! We try our best to figure out the best ways to love them well constantly. It's a continual balance in any friendship or relationship between giving & receiving, & it can be really hard to find that balance.

"we are afraid to care too much for fear that the other person doesn't care at all." - Eleanor Roosevelt

People are messy, lives are messy, relationships are messy, but if it's one thing that I've continued to be encouraged by over & over again is that they're worth it. The joyful laughter & heart cries alongside people are worth the messiness of the balance of give & take. So I am constantly reminded to keep investing in people, pursuing relationships, because God gives us people, & God uses people, & God is in people & works through people, & though there is tiredness of heart that comes with loving people -

dear people, love till it hurts. Jesus loved so much that He has scars in His hands to show His capacity of love. I don't want to run away from a Love that is that pure. I don't want to run away from the love of people just because of the imbalance that there is sometimes between giving & taking in relationships, or the one-sidedness that is sometimes felt.

Christ not only loves us in spite of our lousy loving, but chooses to intercede into our lousy loving, giving continual, endless, deep grace that forgives us & cleanses us of the lousy pieces. & He wants to make us better lovers. Thankfully we don't have to go it alone.

"the best use of time is to freely love.
the best way to love is to spend time.
the best time to love is always right now."


love, cait

Choosing Celebration

my favorite season is Spring, but after this Winter, Spring is probably everyone's favorite season right now, too. today is the first day of Spring, but more importantly it's free water ice day at Rita's. on that note, we're all craving some heat and the sun's Vitamin D to help us look less like death.   

the other day I got to sit down with paper and pen and start date-saving on the calendar for all the upcoming events and occasions in life, things to see and things to have happen, things to create and things to do, making sure that I won't forget them, and anticipating each as they come. with this also came overwhelming brain explosions, because I realized that this time last year it was the exact same amount of crazy scheduling, and this is the busiest time of year leading up to summer's kick off.

not to get all sentimental here, (i can't afford to cry yet) but it's also senior year, and as exciting as that is, it is also hard, terrifying, incomprehensible, and amazing all at the same time. it's an "on the fence" phase between high school and college; one where you balance between the far-aways and here-to-stays, the sudden nostalgia, the unfathomable questions of time and how it runs so fast, the questioning of your identity because you don't know how to feel about change and growing up and not knowing where to go or what to do.

as much as this "fear of the unknown" creeps in, life has a way of reminding me that I have no control of the unknown. So why continue to try and predict it and figure it out when there's no way of knowing?

Finding joy in the journey. The "journey" of it all includes this fear of the unknown that honestly cannot be avoided or hidden away. It continually comes whether we like it or not. But God still owns tomorrow. And resting in His promises of green in this coming Spring season, resting in His promise that He'll hold, that He never leaves or changes, that He always stays...that is the Joy coming in these next few months that ultimately leaves me with a content heart through the anticipation of change. This graduating season, this transition stage, this looking up to what will come.

Rend Collective has a new album that came out this week, and it epitomizes this year's spring season. Track number one is called "Joy". The first words on the album are "we're choosing celebration". choosing! Choosing each day to celebrate in Jesus' love.        

"In the shadows, in the sorrows, in the desert when the pain hits

You are constant, ever-present, You're the song of my heart."

                                                     -Joy by Rend Collective


-cait 

Consolation Lyrics

Consolation

troubled child come lay your heavy load
lean on love to navigate these roads
endless change seems to weigh more loss than gain
but amidst unknown, love still stays the same

you're inbetween uncertainty of far-aways and here-to-stays
dreading desolate "someday homes"
but as you fear the distancing of all you love & know
you are not alone

all you keep so close inside your soul
cease your strive to be & earn & own
understand the lack of your control
& trust in faithful hands that surely hold

you're inbetween uncertainty of far-aways and here-to-stays

dreading desolate "someday homes"

but as you fear the distancing of all you love & know

you are not alone

not alone

not alone

you're inbetween uncertainty of far-aways and here-to-stays

dreading desolate "someday homes"

but as you fear the distancing of all you love & know

further up & further in

love is found and love abounds

age to age, always near, always stays

& as you fear the distancing, remember what is known

you are not alone

Be Still My Soul

What if we walked day to day in awareness of the Holy Spirit, whom Jesus sent to live inside us, moving and working within our hearts to create us as closer, more willing, submitting, reliant children of God?

                                              

Recently, there's been a lot of learning of what it means to live a Spirit-driven life. An awareness of the Holy Spirit working and moving in my heart, and letting go of my own agenda to allow compelling desire to capture and grow my trust and reliance on my Maker.

In "letting go of my own agenda", for me, a lot of what I feel like I need to control is time. Specifically what I do with my time and how I waste my time. But even more specifically: relationships, friendships, spending time with people, doing what I love, and being in fellowship.

I realize that I have a scary fear of losing the people I love. I guess we all do to an extent, but I've lost relationships suddenly and unexpectently in the past, and I have the least amount of trust in God that He won't let it happen again.

I guess there is no guarantee that losing relationships won't happen, because our God gives and takes away.

And if He takes, still I will praise.

But I think I'm being challenged to the awareness of seeing that the people He's provided in my life are a gift, and that I'm in a continual process of giving my relationships over to Him daily, trusting that He will take care of them, that I won't be left behind or alone or rejected or turned away.

Honestly, it gives me high anxiety just thinking about it.

"I hold tight and try to control, claiming all I have is mine."

It's not ours! None of these blessings on earth are ours to take. As scary as it is that none of it is ours, we have nothing, we are nothing, it is humbling to see and know that all we have is a gift. Jesus is a gift. Grace is a gift. Relationships are a gift. And as we deserve nothing, are only dust, and as our lives are only a wisp of the wind in earth's timeline. . .we are precious, beloved children.

As I worry in being left alone, losing people, I recite a truth I know in my heart:

"Leave to Your God to order and provide
in every change He faithful will remain."

God does not leave us or forsake us amidst the ever constant changing of this world.

song of the day: Be Still My Soul by Page CXVI



love, cait