Stuck in a Rut

I would give anything to be able to fix things. Relationships, friendships, attitudes, circumstances, situations, hurting, pain, sorrow, anger, betrayal, misunderstandings.

Sometimes I wish I could fix myself. All my thoughts that have had hurtful intentions, my jealousy, my anger, my appearance, my awkwardness, my social skills.

I've begun to realize how sinful it is to want to fix yourself. Or even attempt to fix yourself. Even that in itself is a sin.

God made us intricately who He wants us to be. Why try and change what He has put so much precious time and effort into to create?

I'm beginning to realize that I can't fix myself, either. Only the Lord can, by His solid grace.
I guess I fall short when I don't trust that He is going to fix me.
I want to believe that He can change the tangled dark mess of my heart, but somehow, sometimes, it's hard to truly believe that, when no change seems to be evident in my eyes.

I was told a good analogy the other day when I was coming down hard on myself. We like to think of our hearts as soft and pink and good and healthy. But there is obviously a small portion of rock inside the heart. It's hard, it's black, it's dirty and malignant. It's full of everything that is evil in our minds and hearts and it likes to penetrate everything we do and say when it can.

Sometimes, I look back at pictures from last year and do not know who I am today. Like I'm living a different life, this is some other girls life that is not Caitlyn's life. This all couldn't have happened in Caitlyn's life. I literally do not know who I am now because I remember who I was a year ago and how different I am. I wonder how the people I love can still see me and love me and continue to be my friends, because I've changed so much and feel so "not who I was".

Right now, my heart feels like it's all rock. All dirty and black and hurt and sad and angered and jealous and wrong. But I was told that there is a small pink, healthy, loving, soft part among all the black. It's so small. And the people who love me see that. And they want to make it grow, and make the hard rock part shrink.

Trusting that God will make the good heart grow is where I struggle. Among other things, but it convicts me of how much I want to control my heart and mind and life all in the same.

Lord, clean me.

"One step forward, two steps back."

"“He created all the beauty you see by speaking it into existence in 7 days and then he took 9 months knitting us together. How much more beautiful we are to Him than the earth?” "

song of the day: "Find Your Kindness" by Rend Collective Experiment

love, cait